I just found a really useful guide that can be given to people to help them understand how to support grieving parents. It is published by the Bereaved Parents’ Network and lists some Do’s and Don’ts suggested by bereaved parents. I really wish I had the guide in the early days to give to people. There are some particular tips that I wished people we know had followed.
The guide is in PDF format (ideal for printing out) and you can download it here:
Bereaved Parent’s Network Tips Sheet
It’s a lot to take in, particularly if you are trying to follow it. I guess that’s part of the point – what people think is obvious actually my not be so. As I’ve said before, I think there is a huge bridge of understanding to cross for those who have lost a child and those around them.
I thought I’d add a few more do’s and don’ts based on my own experiences.
Do make time to visit out angel’s resting place – we like to know other people go as well as us.
Don’t assume that we are “being strong now and will let it out later” – we are grieving right now.
Do stagger buying of flowers – they can come on any day, not just significant dates.
Don’t take accounts of how it happened secondhand – the message may get muddled and we will probably want to tell you ourselves.
Do send a card to let us know you are thinking of us if you haven’t seen us in person – it doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to say – just send your love.
Don’t take it personally if we include you in some things and not in others – we are just trying to do things they way it feels right for us.
If you are a bereaved parent I’d love to know if you have any ones you’d add to the list. Drop a comment below.
If you know bereaved parents and found things you have done in the “don’t list” or things you haven’t in the “do list”, remember that, even if you have been through it yourself, you can never know what is the right thing to do for the parents in their situation. You may make mistakes but there is always time to show you care.
First, I am glad to see the link to Care’s Bereaved Parent’s Network. Without going into detail I know Kath and Mike who set this up and I have a lot of respect for them!
Do’s and Don’ts – I have thought of doing a post on this for a while but since some of my friends read my blog I didn’t want them to be wondering whether I was talking about them.
Do:
- make space to talk about what has happened
- ask how we are and really mean it
- mention our baby by name
- expect it to take a long time for us to grieve, we won’t “get over it”
- remember anniversary of death, due dates, birthdays, christmas, mother’s and father’s day – these matter
- give us something with our babies name on it
- be a friend for the long term
- give us a hug
- be ready to cry – that means a lot
- keep saying the obvious things months/years on – you are sorry, it must be hard etc.
Don’t:
- say you know what we are going through unless you have lost a baby yourself and then you wouldn’t say that because you know every loss is link
- change the subject when we mention our baby
- try to make us feel better or fix our grief – this only belittles our loss
- think the things we do to remember our baby are morbid
- worry about upsetting us – our baby dies we are upset already
- compare our loss to another loss you or someone else has experienced – it doesn’t help
Thanks for the post